


The Spaces Never to be Filled

by Paradise_of_Mary_Jane



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Brotherhood, Character Death, Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 06:43:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4511865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane/pseuds/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Dear Sirius,</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <em>It’s me but I assume that you’d already figured that out by now. I don’t know what to say, don’t really know where to begin or why I’m doing this. I could do this in person I suppose, it’s more proper at any rate. Who the hell am I kidding? It’s not as if there’s a book on proper decorum for this sort of thing. But I think that the letter would be better for the both of us…</em></p><p> </p><p>One last letter. One last goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Spaces Never to be Filled

**Author's Note:**

> Here I am again attempting to pull of a new writing style! So this fic comes right before do the stars gaze back and is the main reason I decided to make it a series.
> 
>  
> 
> **Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. The title is inspired by a poem by Charles Bukowski. I don't own that either.**

 

_Dear Sirius,_

_It’s me but I assume that you’d already figured that out by now. I don’t know what to say, don’t really know where to begin or why I’m doing this. I could do this in person I suppose, it’s more proper at any rate. Who the hell am I kidding? It’s not as if there’s a book on proper decorum for this sort of thing. But I think that the letter would be better for the both of us…_

 

* * *

 

When the owl came Sirius was eating breakfast with James, Lily, Remus, and Peter at his flat. The familiar black owl came and landed primly on the dining table, every bit the owl Sirius remembered from his school days. The occupants of the table fell silent and Sirius had to fight not to stare at the creature which had a roll of parchment tied to its leg. He could just make out the familiar spindly handwriting. His hands moved as if on their own accord, untying the letter without much thinking. His mind was a million miles away.

“What are you doing here then?” he asked absently stroking the midnight black owl. Regulus’ owl. The owl that he never allowed anyone but him to use.

Regulus had apparently decided, through some unknown reason, to send Sirius a letter. It had been years since the brothers had last had any sort of correspondence. The last they had spoken ended with hexes being thrown and both parties cursing the other’s name. Sirius never expected any further contact with Regulus after that but here it was: a letter. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew that it was probably something to dread. A letter in these dark times, especially after such a long estrangement, rarely, if ever, meant well.

Sirius could barely comprehend the rush of thoughts that passed through his mind with each second, each one worse than the last. A large part of it was still too busy trying to comprehend that Regulus had in fact sent him a letter.

Sirius unrolled the scroll and his eyes trailed over each word. His heart grew heavier and heavier with each second. He barely felt the letter slip through his numb fingers as he rose from the table abruptly.

“Padfoot?” James asked concernedly. Sirius barely heard his words through the ringing in his ears.

“I’m going out,” Sirius murmured. He was out the door, before anyone, himself included, fully comprehended his words.

 

* * *

 

_I’m not going to tell you the details just in case this is intercepted. We can’t have any one knowing what I’m planning right? Besides, I don’t think you’ll like it very much. You’d probably come back here and bind me to a chair or something. Then curse me and shout for hours and hours. And that’s just wasting time._

_Sorry--I’m rambling but…_

 

* * *

 

Number 12 Grimmauld Place looked exactly the same from the day Sirius ran away without all the rain. Muggles still passed through and fro it, their eyes skittering away. Sirius had always wondered why his parents chose to live right in the centre of muggle London. Pride, he thought wryly. Couldn’t even admit it when they’ve been overrun by their ‘enemy.’

It was easy, much too easy, for Sirius to find his way back to the house he swore he would never go anywhere near again.

He knew he was ready to face it, ready to ignore his revulsion for the house, its occupants, and everything they stood for, just so he could see Regulus again. He just needed to see his brother. Sirius wasn’t above admitting that he still cared for him. At least not at the moment.

He banged on the door as hard as he could. It didn’t mean that he was here that he still didn’t hate the place with every fibre of his being. He just needed to see Regulus and ask him why the hell would he write a letter like that then he’d be gone. Then his life can go on.

There was no answer. Sirius banged on the door again. A moment later, the door opened marginally and a familiar blonde head peaked out.

“What do you want?” Narcissa asked. Sirius just caught a glimpse of a simple black dress and her light blonde hair was pulled back in a simple plait. It reminded Sirius of the time his grandmother had died. Narcissa looked exactly the same in the wake as she did now.

It didn’t matter, Sirius told himself. He just needed to see Regulus and then he was gone.

“Where is he Narcissa?”

Narcissa didn’t ask who he was asking for, giving him a look almost as if she expected Sirius to come barging back to Grimmauld Place asking after his brother. Sirius didn’t like the sinking feeling in his gut that the look she made gave him. He noticed for the first time that she looked pale and drawn in her black dress.

“He’s not here,” Narcissa said quietly with no hint of animosity. That was wrong too. Conversations with his family never went on too long without escalating to at least a shouting match, not even for sweet little Narcissa. There should have been a curse “And you should leave now before your mother finds out you’re here.”

“Then where is he? Where’s Regulus?” Calm. He needed to keep himself calm. Sirius barely had the patience for their pureblood traditions and he didn’t like the quiet, careful way his cousin spoke but he knew he had--no needed to keep calm. It would do him no good to get thrown out now, not when he was so close to getting answers.

“He’s dead Sirius,” Narcissa said bluntly. Sirius felt his entire body go cold. “Now leave.”

“No,” he said.

“You’re lying,” he said. “Now tell me where he is.”

“He’s dead Sirius,” Narcissa repeated, face turning colder than snow. She looked exhausted and full of grief. “And you know as well as I do that I’m telling the truth or else you wouldn’t be here. Now go away before I have to hex you.”

“Where is he?” repeated Sirius. Narcissa wasn’t lying. He knew from the look in her eye, one that was just full of exhaustion and grief. She was telling the absolute truth. No one could have ever faked that look and Sirius had seen it one too many times in the past few years. But it couldn’t be--it had to be a lie. More than anything in his life, Sirius wanted something to be a lie. “Just let me see him Narcissa. Then I’ll go.”

“There’s nothing to see,” snapped Narcissa. “No one ever found him.”

No, Sirius told himself. No.

“Let me in,” said Sirius. “ _Please._ ”

“No.”

But it was true because Narcissa wasn’t lying and she was wearing her black dress with her hair in a black plait. She was in a wake and it couldn’t have belonged to anyone else but Regulus.

“When’s the funeral? If you’re not going to let me in at least tell me that.” Sirius asked, feeling the desperation he felt creeping into his tone. Funeral. The word felt strange and wrong on his tongue. It had never been a word he had associated with Regulus before. Sirius never thought he had to.

“None of your business,” snapped Narcissa. “You chose your side cousin, now stand by it.”

 

* * *

 

_Anyway, there is a reason why I wrote this letter. I suppose I just wanted you to know, I think I understand now, why you ran away that is. I didn’t before. I asked you about it once remember, and you said that you just couldn’t take it, that it was too much. Couldn’t stand to stay in a house that wanted your friends dead and destroy everything you believed in. You never did tell me what you fought about but I think I can guess. I never understood why you did it and your explanation didn’t make it any better. I resented you for it, I’m not going to lie. Because you’ve lived here your entire life, you grew up here, you never knew anything different and I honestly thought you liked it. Liked this life. Then suddenly you meet new friends and you’re off. I once thought you were being contrary for the sake of it and maybe I was right in some parts. You spent less and less time with ~~me~~ with us and whenever you were here you made it quite clear how much you hated it. It’s as if you’ve forgotten that we did have happy times and that we do love you. As if the years you spent with us, with me, hadn’t meant anything. You chose them Sirius. Strangers. You left me all alone without even bothering to look back. I always thought that family meant ‘taking it’ even though you couldn’t any more, staying no matter what because they’re family and that’s how it worked._

_Like you said, I was an idiot…_

 

* * *

 

“Where have you been?” demanded James the moment Sirius returned to his flat. “It’s been hours Sirius! You know you shouldn’t--what’s wrong?” James finally noticed something was wrong. They were all still there, waiting for him, looking frustrated and concerned. They must’ve been waiting in his flat worriedly since Sirius walked out abruptly. Sirius might’ve felt touched and guilty if he hadn’t felt so cold inside. He collapsed onto the couch and put his head into his hands. Breathe, he needed to remember how to breathe.

“Sirius?” Came Peter’s tentative voice. Sirius decided to ignore him in favour of evening his breathing.

Dead. Regulus was dead. Sirius shouldn’t be focusing on his breathing. He should be raging and crying and doing everything else people did when they lost a--

“Grimmauld Place,” Sirius gasped out. “I went to Grimmauld Place.”

“Why?” James sounded so damn gentle and confused. It wasn’t right. Sirius wasn’t ready to explain yet. He stood up abruptly. It was nearly sunset and Sirius knew what he had to do. The one thing he and Regulus always shared.

Sirius didn’t know why, but he knew that he owed Regulus this. He owed it to him to see the stars.

 

* * *

 

_I didn’t understand then, but I do now. I’m not going to run away like you did, and I’m not going to start advocating muggle rights or fight for the Order or anything like that, but you’re right. There are some things that you can’t just accept. There are some things worth fighting for and that’s what I’m doing now. Fighting._

_I found something about the Dark Lord Sirius, something that can bring about his downfall. I’m not going to tell you what it is, it’s too dangerous. I’m not going to ask for your help either. Like I said, I’m not changing sides, I’m too far gone for that. I just like to think I’m doing the right thing. This war--it’s too much. Too much death and… Soon there’ll be nothing of us left. It’s destroying each and every one of us bit by bit. I don’t think I want to live in a world like that, especially not when I know I could have done something to save it. And here I was thinking I was such a bloody hero for being a Death Eater, shows what you know doesn’t it? This war has gone on long enough and maybe I can actually have some part in stopping it._

_Sometimes I hate how much you’ve rubbed off on me._

 

* * *

 

The sun was just beginning to set when Sirius reached to rooftop. It didn’t matter, he was ready to wait. He still remembered sneaking out at night when their parents were both sound asleep and climbing up on the rooftops. They’d point out as many constellations as they could, then sometimes they’d make their own, complete with its own stories. They’d regale their own stories, stories where they’d be their own heroes, saving the princess or defeating the dark wizards.

They always won in the stories. It always ended with them living forever in the stars. Inseparable.

No one ever said that it was just a story. That life and friends and families and wars and things they could never hope to control would get in the way. Would break them before they even got the chance to be heroes.

No one ever said that sometimes the Dark Wizard defeated the heroes. That it seemed to happen more often than a hero defeating the Dark Wizard.

And out of all the stories that Sirius could have come up with, it never included his brother disappearing long before the end.

 

* * *

 

_This is the last letter I’m going to write to you, most likely the last letter I am ever going to write and I’m not even sure you’re going to open it. I’m not sure if I want you to either._

_Sometimes I wish that things had been different between us… I wish-- It doesn’t matter._

_Adieu older brother._

 

_With all my love,_

_Regulus_

 

 _\--_ fini--

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://pdfcct.tumblr.com/)! Come say hi :)


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